How to regulate your emotions (without suppressing them)

Part 1 of 2 (the philosophy)

I ask every person who applies for coaching the same question.

How would you like your life to be different after receiving ADHD coaching?

By far the most common response is about emotional dysregulation.

Now, this is hardly surprising. It’s an extremely common ADHD trait. However, what troubles me is how few ‘experts’ have the answers. Talk to your doctor about this and they’ll likely say “have you tried anti-depressants?” in what feels like an attempt to get you out the door asap.

That’s bad in itself.

But what I’m particularly troubled by is the unwillingness of doctors to offer lifestyle interventions to tackle emotional dysregulation. As we know that lifestyle interventions have the potential to outperform medications.

In fact, emotional dysregulation has both a philosophical and a physiological solution.

In this two-part series, we'll start today with the philosophical foundation — the mindset shift that makes emotional regulation possible, drawn from the timeless wisdom of Taoism.

Then, in Part 2, I’ll walk you through the physiological interventions that help regulate your nervous system and anchor emotional calmness naturally.

First, the foundation: the Two P’s of emotional regulation.

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The 2 P’s

They stand for:

• Philosophical

• Practical

You need both. Each in isolation is helpful. But together they’re powerful.

So powerful that in the five years I’ve been following this process I’ve gone from an emotionally dysregulated nightmare to one of the calmest people I know — which, in itself, is an absolute miracle.

To set the foundations, let’s begin with the philosophical aspect.

This ain’t some hoity-toity, mind bending philosophy that has no practical use. This is from the most practical philosophy of them all: Taoism (pronounced Daoism).

Taoism is an ancient Chinese philosophy, founded by Lao-tse, that originated at the same time as Buddhism.

Where Buddhism is about transcending reality to reach Nirvana, Taoism is about accepting the natural flow of life.

Benjamin Hoff wrote in a wonderful little book, The Tao of Pooh, about an ancient painting where three wise men stood around a vat of vinegar. The expressions on each man’s face tell you about their philosophy:

“Confucius has a sour look on his face, Buddha’s wearing a bitter expression, and Lao-tse, the Taoist, is smiling”.

The Vinegar Tasters

There are two Taoist principles that have changed my life:

1. Wu-Wei (Non-Forcing)

2. T’ai Hsü (Great Nothing)

Let’s understand both:

Wu-Wei (non-forcing)

Wu-Wei (that I’ll call non-forcing from now on) is the backbone of Taoism. Here’s how it works:

Non-forcing is to live life without intrusive, confrontational, or self-important action.

Imagine water flowing naturally from source to sea. Navigating effortlessly around rocks, round bends, down waterfalls and towards its destination. Rather than the short-circuit approach of a canal, forced through the land to reach its destination as quickly as possible.

A canal will never be as beautiful, perfect, or wild as a river.

Life is the same.

Life isn’t one linear route from A to Z. It meanders all over the place.

Emotional dysregulation often takes place when we can’t handle life’s natural fluctuations. But non-forcing can help us learn to float down the river of life until we reach wherever it’s taking us.

The outcome of this is often peace, serenity, happiness, joy.

The outcome might not be exactly what you wanted, but the feelings inside often are — and that’s all you really wanted anyway.

Here’s how Benjamin Hoff explains it:

“When we learn to work with our own Inner Nature, and with the natural laws operating around us, we reach the level of Wu Wei. Then we work with the natural order of things and operate on the principle of minimal effort. Since the natural world follows that principle, it does not make mistakes. Mistakes are made — or imagined — by man, the creature with the overloaded Brain who separates himself from the network of natural laws by interfering and trying too hard.”

Non-forcing is effortless.

Effort, to force things to go your way, creates suffering. It creates a debilitating tension that often appears like depression and/or anxiety.

You can be free from this — especially when combined with the next principle: T’ai Hsü (Great Nothing).

T’ai Hsü (Great Nothing)

Lao-tse writes in the Tao Te Ching:

“To attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, remove things every day”.

This is the opposite of everything you’ll learn at school.

The opposite of the nonsense spouted by goo-roos on every social media channel to kingdom come.

This is the ultimate simplicity.

Here’s an example you’ll recognise:

"How often have you searched hard for something, only for it to appear when you stopped looking?"

This is the Great Nothing in effortless action.

Knowledge and Cleverness can easily lead the mind astray, causing it to pursue things of little real value — or even things that are not real at all — instead of attending to and appreciating what is present and meaningful in the moment.

Coming Up in Part 2: The Practical Side of Emotional Regulation

In this first part, we’ve explored the philosophical foundation of emotional regulation — the mindset shift that makes lasting change possible.

But philosophy alone isn’t enough.

In Part 2, we’ll get deeply practical — with concrete, physiology-based strategies to calm your nervous system and create the internal conditions for emotional stability.

You’ll learn how to activate your parasympathetic nervous system (the “rest and digest” state), shut down emotional overreactions before they even begin, and what simple morning habits can make the biggest difference to your emotional resilience.

This blend of philosophy and physiology — the Two P’s — is how you can finally stop feeling hijacked by your emotions, and start living with the calm and confidence you deserve.

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